Hola, this is Adriana. Leave a message.
Hi. Hola.
It's me... again.
I guess you haven't gotten my messages,
or you have, and I'm the one who's not getting the message.
Ha.
I guess I'm just being stubborn.
I keep thinking about the night that I proposed
and how you smiled when I sang to you...
Come on, man. We got to get rolling.
Hey. Get back here.
- What? - You are styling again.
You are back to your beautiful, bad self.
- It's possible. - But why?
Why would a man bust out his best Giorgio
for a G.O.P. retreat?
- A date. - For a caucus retreat?
That is all kinds of wrong.
Molly actually insisted on it.
She's kind of a public-servant groupie.
Wants to hang out with Mitch McConnell and shit.
She's messing with you, man.
Nobody wants to hang out with Mitch.
Not even Mrs. Mitch goes to these things.
Besides, it's not really a couples' weekend.
It certainly is, Andy.
You're coming, Maddie?
She is, and there will be golf.
You're on, Mrs. B.
You can't date my wife, Andy.
Besides, you'll be busy at one of nine panels on Obamacare.
- Morning, Louise. - Oh, good morning, Andy.
Uh, do you like your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
with or without jelly?
- Chef's choice, Louise. - Ooh, yikes.
And how are you today, young lady?
You're not coming out to this retreat, are you?
Oh, no, I'm just taking care of a few chores
while you're all gone.
Chores that ordinarily would be done by a housekeeper.
I don't mind, daddy, really.
Well, I appreciate it, sweet pea.
And I know you've been working awfully hard at the office.
So, when you finish up here, I want you to just kick back.
Okay?
Have a friend over for some pizza.
Enjoy our premium cable.
Maybe go upstairs for a nice, long soak.
I will, daddy.
Promise.
What campaign was that?
Sam Katz's run for mayor in '99.
And since then, we've done web design for Schweiker, Toomey...
- You. - Me?
- You worked for me? - Yeah, 2008.
I can't believe we never met.
I can't believe you can't believe
that you guys live in a bubble.
Lunchtime, you two.
Time to get your picnic on, my brother.
Oh, thanks.
So, Louise, what do you have planned for the weekend?
I've got a golf date with Maddie.
- Uh-oh, Maddie, uh-oh. - What?
You're playing golf with Louise?
- Mm-hmm. - Uh-oh.
Why is that?
She is a monster on the links.
Don't try to stir up some rivalry, Mr. Trouble Pants.
Hey, Maddie, this time let's take turns
hitting the same ball. It's just as fun.
That does sound like fun.
- Maybe I'll join you. - No, you won't.
You're going to those panels,
especially the one about reaching out to women voters.
Voters are voters, Maddie.
- And those panels are a snooze. - Oh, look.
Right, Peg?
My panel's at 8:30. Don't be late.
We have a lot of ground to cover.
Hey, it's me...
again.
I'm on my way to the G.O.P. retreat.
Everyone is with someone except for me.
I know. I only have myself to blame,
but how I wish you were by my side
as we are discussing suing the President.
Okay, folks, in a minute,
we'll be pulling into historic Belle Neck Plantation.
The beautiful links on your left used to be tobacco fields,
worked by slaves.
Because nothing says Republican
like tobacco, golf, and cheap labor.
While maintaining its antebellum charm,
the plantation also features and Olympic-size pool...
Yay.
- A luxurious spa... - Yay!
And an award-winning staff of hospitality specialists.
Look, Louis, it's a hospitality specialist.
Hi. How are you?
It's like Downton. Come on, Robert.
Let's meet the downstairs gang.
Oh, beautiful outfits.
Did you make it yourself?
Where did you get such a sweet smile?
Senator Laffer. Good morning.
Louis Laffer. Pleasure.
Good morning. Lovely house you have here.
Hi. How you doing...
My brother?
Andy, what's going on? I can't reach anyone.
Graydon, Adriana, Kent out in Iowa...
no one's returning my calls.
It's like someone pulled the plug.
Okay, so maybe someone did.
Adriana and I are on...
Hiatus.
What does that mean?
Oh, God, she didn't find out, did she?
Marta gave me up.
But it's okay... Benny sent her to Hawaii,
and I'm heading to Miami on Monday to straighten things out.
Oh, God. All the planning I've done for the caucus states.
- This isn't happening to me. - It's not.
It's happening to me, but it's gonna stop happening.
I'm serious. There will be a wedding
and an Iowa straw poll, which I'll win, Kat.
- Trust me. - But I don't.
Kat, I need you now, okay?
I'm going all the way. Don't get left behind.
And I was right.
You are down three more points with women.
Gil John, you've just got to...
they canceled the bonfire this year.
How could they cancel the bonfire?
It's the best part of the weekend.
Are you listening to me?
Maddie, I already said I'd go to the sensitivity training.
My problem right now isn't with women.
It's with that damn reality show.
Maybe you could talk to the producer?
And tell her what... leave out the part
where mama Biggs reveals we're on the take?
I doubt that landed.
I'm sure she has no idea what she has.
Just tell her that I've had second thoughts
about being on TV.
Good morning, fellow golfists.
- You ready to tee up? - Ah...
Louise, I thought we were starting at 10:00?
I changed it to 8:00 sharp to get in more holes.
Come on, let's get going. Get your togs on.
Okay, everyone, let's grab your coffee and settle down.
This morning we have panels
on repealing Obamacare,
another on Benghazi,
one on suing the president,
and one on not impeaching him.
So it's a pretty exciting lineup.
Later, we have a trainer
coming in to help us with our lady problem.
Now, guys, let's hear her out.
Gal senators are excused, of course.
Finally, Senator McCain,
who was supposed to lead the panel
on intervening in Syria, Ukraine,
Iraq, Afghanistan, and Iran,
unfortunately had to cancel,
and sent us this video.
Could we roll that, please?
My friends, I wish I could be there with you today
in the beautiful, rolling Virginia countryside,
but unfortunately I have a dental appointment...
Which I've canceled twice
and couldn't in good conscience do again.
- Are you shitting me? - Nah, man, that's legit.
Dental care's a priority.
It's usually important for me to show up to make sure
the caucus includes a variety of views.
But my good friend Gil John apparently thinks
he's a Maverick now.
So I look forward to hearing how he leads our party
to a more rational future.
Have a great weekend.
To a more rational future.
And I would argue that a suite of Benghazi investigations
rolled out at strategic intervals
would be much more effective than a standing committee
which could become old news quickly.
- I disagree. - Peg, with all due respect...
Ned, stop talking.
My permanent select committee to investigate Benghazi
is the only way to embed the scandal into our politics.
Like Watergate, Benghazi could become synonymous
with political disgrace.
All future Democratic scandals could end in "ghazi."
I.R.S.-ghazi, for instance.
Or gay-ghazi or Penta-ghazi.
Peg...
Ned, don't make me come over there.
What we're talking about is our children
and our grandchildren and their right
to get to the bottom of Benghazi just as we did.
Do you want them to grow up in the dark?
Ned?
What? No.
So, Spence, my question to you...
whither Obamacare?
This is our core issue.
It should be front and center.
The house hasn't voted to repeal since last week.
- Freakin' house. - In fairness, Lamar,
they voted to repeal Obamacare 56 times.
56? I thought it was 54.
Could someone check on that?
But even if it is 56, we could do better.
This isn't as interesting as I thought it would be.
I warned you. You want to bounce?
Voting to repeal Obamacare 100 times
by the end of the year.
Robert, doesn't this place creep you out?
What do you mean?
Well, it was once a working plantation.
Long ago.
Everything was something else once.
And now...
It's a gardening shed.
And just between me and you, Molly, I can't really relate.
My family's originally from Canada.
We've been professionals for five generations.
And I'm sure if you go way, way back,
there's a world of hurt and misery,
but I just don't feel the heavy hand of history
like a lot of folks think I should.
- What kind of professionals? - Eh, lawyers.
We Bettencourts have a lot to answer for.
"Men do tend to talk about things on a much
higher level.
Many of my male colleagues, when they go to the house floor,
you know, they've got some pie chart or graph behind them.
We need our colleagues to understand
that if you can bring it down to a woman's level,
and what, with everything she's balancing in her life,
that's the way to go."
Good point. They do balance a lot.
Now, this was a Republican woman, folks,
who presumably said this
while stepping off her time machine from 1940.
Now, imagine the men who made the trip with her.
Sadly, some of them might be in this room now.
Let's find out.
Uh, you, sir...
Uh, you, sir... would you join me up here?
Would you join me up here?
Senator Biggs, isn't it?
Aw, crap.
So I hear Lola's joined the D.C. daughters.
Ah, yes.
She's the sweet one. Who's Charlotte?
Uh, the angry one.
It's just acting...
You know, role-playing.
Yeah, well, in Lola's case, she really is sweet.
She's never been interested in bad boys or tattoos
or iced tea or anything like that.
You know, she doesn't even have a diary for shameful thoughts.
- Mm. - I'm just so proud of her.
Well, you know kids... they don't tell you everything.
Mm-hmm. Must be hard to have a daughter that sleeps around.
Mm.
Yeah, whoo.
I don't know how the mothers of fallen girls manage.
Whoo, it would keep me up nights.
Mm!
Nice.
I guess you and I must be the lucky ones.
Fore!
Ah.
Okay.
Let's try another one.
This time I'm an outraged mother at a town hall meeting.
Ready?
Senator Biggs, my daughter was sexually harassed
by her commanding officer while serving in Iraq.
She reported the crime.
But her superiors just charged her with fraternization.
Can you bring justice to my daughter?
Uh, no, ma'am, I'm sorry. That's military law.
There is nothing I can do about it.
Wrong answer.
Wrong answer. See, I gave you two key words...
mother and daughter.
That should have triggered a sympathetic response.
You have a mother, I assume?
- Do you have any daughters? - Three.
And you didn't think of them immediately?
Try again.
Ma'am, I'm as outraged as you are.
I have three daughters myself.
I will make a point of looking into this.
Much better. Next victim.
Senator, I'm a young female voter now.
Why should I be required to submit to a transvaginal probe
just to get my driver's license?
Well, I think it's just, uh, common sense?
If you're gonna check the box saying "female" on your application,
you need to demonstrate that there's no fraud going on.
The government really requires a woman to be probed
to get a license?
Of course not.
How interesting that you would defend it.
Okay, Senator.
The exercise is the same.
Pretend I'm a woman voter.
- That won't be hard. - That's enough of that.
I'm just saying, you look like you vote...
often...
Every chance you get.
- Let's take a break. - Master at work.
And then Lorna was baptized
two years to the day after Lori.
Oh, my goodness.
Am I still bragging about my family?
Yes, Louise, you are.
- Oh. - Pfft.
That's a five.
Oh!
Ah. Almost.
Put me down for three.
So, Maddie, how's everything with you and Gil John?
- What? - Hmm.
I know it's none of my beeswax,
but girl to girl, you seemed a little out of sorts
at breakfast.
Oh, I don't know, Louise.
Gil John and I just seem to want different things from life.
Sometimes I think it would be better
if I was the politician and he could just go fishing.
Oh, I understand. Believe you me.
Louis and I have had hard times too.
At one point, I even thought there might be another woman.
Really? Uh...
- Was there? - No.
He was acting suspicious,
but it turned out he was just redecorating the bathroom
- as a surprise. - Oh.
You know Louis. Mmm. Those bedroom eyes.
A wife worries.
- I can imagine. - Oh, yeah.
Fore!
Hey, Melanie.
I know this probably happens to you all the time,
anxious student coming up to teacher after class,
asking for special help.
But I really do have a serious problem with women.
Communicating with them?
Uh, no, no.
That's easy. I mean...
It's mostly listening, right?
Then what, to understanding their priorities?
I think I have a pretty good handle on, uh, what women want.
The problem's more about me...
- My needs. - Your needs?
Yes, they're, uh...
they're insatiable.
You... you think you could work with me?
I'd be so grateful.
- You play golf? - Eh, I used to.
My wife... she liked to play.
What is Eve like?
She's lovely, actually...
bright, witty, thoughtful, unusually kind...
- Wow. - Creative, musical,
- very sensual. - Oh, okay.
Yeah, that's... that's... that's good. That's enough.
She also lost her mind
and is dating a euro-trash douche bag.
That's more like it. Now I stand a chance.
So you want to go to that dinner tonight?
What do you think?
Is it like, uh, an old-school political banquet
with bunting and cigars?
I don't know about the bunting,
but we could probably find you a cigar.
Oh, well...
I'm in.
Come by your room, say around 7:00?
Sounds good.
I'll see you later.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention,
we have a very special guest speaker tonight...
President Ronald Reagan...
I think I'm gonna skip the show, honey bear.
I'm just exhausted.
- Okay, I'll be along soon. - All right.
As played by that marvelous impressionist Jim Morris.
Mr. Morris's show is made up entirely of actual quotes
from President Reagan.
And so, without further ado...
Ronald Reagan...
in his own words.
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.
Yes!
You know, banishing loopholes and a minimum tax
will mean that everybody and every corporation
pay their fair share.
Huh.
Who knew Ronnie hated business?
Preservation of our environment
is not a liberal or a conservative challenge.
It's common sense.
What, Reagan was soft on the environment?
The defense policy of the United States is based
on a simple premise.
The United States does not start fights.
Wait a minute.
Reagan was a pussy?
This is depressing.
I'm gonna go build a bonfire.
- Anyone want to join me? - I do.
Do you mind, Louise?
I can't just sit here and listen to Ronald Reagan
being torn down by... Ronald Reagan.
Me neither. Go have fun at your man thing.
I'll be fine.
Regimes planted by bayonets do not take root.
Denigration of the full faith and credit of the United States
would have substantial effects.
For many years, I was a Democrat.
Boo!
Better get out of here before it gets really ugly.
I'll walk you back to your room?
Isn't yours closer?
Yes, it is.
- Look who it is. - What happened to you?
Wait a minute. Isn't your room in the other wing?
Were you paying a house call? You were.
But who... not the sensitivity trainer.
Facilitators have needs too.
Not everyone picks up on that.
I just happen to be attuned to it.
Well, you're in luck, Andy.
We're building a bonfire, and you can dance around it
and celebrate your latest senseless conquest.
I'm in.
Wait. That sounds like a pagan ritual.
I can't go, guys. I was only kidding.
We can stare into the embers and think deep thoughts.
- No, I'm out. - Make up your mind, you two.
Searching for firewood in the dark isn't for girlie men.
Now, this is living.
Living large.
Look at those flames.
There's something cleansing about fire...
Warrior-esque.
Are warriors clean? I wonder.
I'm talking about the soul.
You spoke of dance earlier.
Would anyone mind if I disrobe
and perform a Lakota ghost dance?
- Yes. - Just a thought.
- Where's Robert? - With Molly.
Must be strange dating at our age.
Would you even know what to do?
You never forget. It's muscle memory.
I meant the part where you have to actually talk
to a woman.
I can't even remember my come-on.
It was before binge drinking.
Nowadays kids just throw up
on whoever they're trying to impress.
Yeah, it was definitely harder to find an eternal partner
back in the day.
Thank goodness for double dating.
There's three of us here, aren't there?
I'm sorry, Molly.
It's okay.
It's really okay.
I put the rush on you, and you weren't ready.
I'm always ready.
For her, not me.
Why don't you go be with your friends?
I think you need them right now more than you need me.
Nah, that's not true.
Well, go find out. Come on.
I have an idea.
Let's all lie on our backs together and look at the stars.
That's too gay. I still think we should all dance naked,
in honor of Raweno, the creator God of the Iroquois.
Raweno... didn't he play for the Canucks?
He's like a God in Vancouver.
Stop free associating.
It's too hard to track.
Louis, if you can't keep up, do what I do...
fall back, drop off the grid.
That's what this weekend is all about...
Or it should be.
Unfortunately, some of us have wives
that think we ought to be king of the world.
I could use a wife like that.
I almost had one, too,
if it weren't for my damn condition.
- Oh, please. - Louis, you don't know.
They sewed you in your sacred underpants so long ago,
your nuts retired.
Mine are in a constant uproar,
like a pair of unruly teenagers.
Ah, come on, man, you don't believe that shit.
Robert, why are you here again?
'Cause you texted me. You said we needed firewood.
But you brought us a roll of fencing.
It's all I could find. It was in the slave quarters.
You were in the slave quarters at night?
What's wrong with that?
I don't know... ghosts.
Like, when I'm driving through Utah,
I always bypass mountain meadows,
because that's where a Mormon militia
once massacred a wagon train of immigrants,
so I take I-15 instead of route 56
to avoid the ghosts.
Anybody want to field that one?
- I got nothing. - Not me.
I'll tell you about a ghost.
She's about 5'8".
She's got beautiful brown hair.
She loves Verdi.
Goddamn if she doesn't haunt my ass day and night.
She even scared off Molly.
She sounds familiar.
Was she in some movie?
He's talking about Eve, you nimrod.
Oh, I knew that. No, wait. What?
If you want the opinion of an old ghost-buster,
you just got to wait out the son of a bitch.
When I knocked down that ref in the Clemson game
with a big foam finger,
I humiliated myself in front of the whole country.
I created a memory that chased me for years.
Well, I just showed that puppy the door.
I just don't give a shit anymore.
You're comparing my wife of 23 years to a basketball game?
Yes, I am, Robert. But I don't know why.
You were making the point that time heals.
That's right.
You just... you just move on.
You... you have closure.
Just like my floor speech... did any of y'all see that?
- No. - Not me.
I heard it. You groveled.
No, I didn't, Andy. I owned up to my shit.
I acted like a man. And it felt good too.
You hear that, Andy... the part about owning up?
I did, Louis. Why?
'Cause I want you to tell me, honestly...
Is my housekeeper dead?
No.
I told you, Marta's in Hawaii.
When you say "Hawaii,"
is that code for dead?
- Ha! - Louis.
What a disgrace.
That was shameful.
- Look who's finally up. - Sorry about the bathroom.
- I take it you had fun. - I did.
But, you know, while I was out there sitting in the sand,
I thought about some things that needed thinking over.
Such as?
Such as why my wife is always up in my grill.
Ugh, great.
She's always up in my grill because she believes in me.
I could do great things for North Carolina
if I could only get out of my own way.
Ten points down with women.
Hell, that's unacceptable, Maddie.
I can talk to women.
I've been around strong females for years,
starting with present company,
including three pistols for daughters,
who I don't always understand,
but who's future means more to me than anything in this world.
Now, that trainer lady said focus on the needs of the family.
It's families that hold society together, and I believe that.
That's one of my core principles.
It's time to put wheels on it and take it on the road.
Honey bear express.
I can do this.
I can make my wife proud of me again.
What do you mean "again"? She never stopped.
Hmm? Huh.
- What happened out there? - Whew.
Hola, Adriana.
The retreat's over, and I'm heading back to D.C.
I'm the only one on the bus sitting by himself.
I'm a mess filled with guilt and confusion.
Can I change?
Can I be the man you need me to be
and still be the man you fell in love with?
Hard to say.
Um, got to run. Bye.
Shit, we forgot to rake.
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